ikenbot:
This is a GIF set of Astronauts falling on the Moon
Here’s why I could never actually be an astronaut.
Okay, let’s say through some magic combination of Weight Watchers, WiiFit and incredibly patient personal trainer I actually end up physically fit enough for the job. Let’s say somehow I miraculously survive the centrifuge and Vomit Comet without too much crying or barfing. Or cry-barfing. Or barf-crying. Let’s say that I eventually work up the nerve to learn how to use the vacuum toilet. Let’s just pretend the pretty much impossible has happened and I am in space. I am on the moon.
This is what will get me. I step in a moon-hole and land facedown in the moon-dust, feebly wiggling my little arms and legs like Randy in A Christmas Story. Other men and women (who actually HAVE the Right Stuff) would bounce right back up. Like the moon’s made of a particularly rubbery kind of cheese.
Not me. This is where I give up. Anxiety seizes me and after some futile flopping around, I tell Neil Armstrong not to waste his oxygen. To leave me where I lay. I am the the Great Lunar Turtle, unable to turn over. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the lunar module blast off for home. I feebly wave my little astronaut glove, the last of my energy spent on hyperventilation and crying. And President Nixon prepares a speech.
“In ancient days,” he says, “men looked at stars and saw their heroes in the constellations. In modern times, we do much the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood and that one girl who had a debilitating panic attack because she fell down on the moon.”